Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
