i barfeds in our rink
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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