he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
this will be a night to untag.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
