Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My ATM looks so different sober.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
