mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
