So drunk its hurt
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
