foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
