i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
