well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
