I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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