Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
