Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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