we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
