my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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