you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
