Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
