WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
