I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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