Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
