This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
