you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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