no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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