Whod you bang
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
