They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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