My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
