3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
