Can i not drive my cunt home
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
