Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
