not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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