I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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