I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize