I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Randomize
