I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
