someone get that fucking seahorse.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
