he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
