everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
