More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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