We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
can u get pink eye on your cock?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
