I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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