Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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