Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
