Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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