my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
