I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I faked an abortion last night.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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