WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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