Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
