Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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