Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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