dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
