Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
